My Afflation

To make new mistakes or fix yesterday's I told myself "February's Goal - No Unnecessary Spending ." I wasn't going to spend any money this month (on shopping) and that I was going to get my budget under control.

I certainly hope so! I don't want to even think about having to take this test again! And if that unfortunate event should occur, I will have to take it before March 2018 when it switches over to the 6th edition of the PMBOK . I'm not sure my mind could handle the overload of information. via GIPHY But we're not going to consider that right now. I'm going to join the ranks of people who pass on the first try. via GIPHY They've even published their how-tos. I'm just trying to do it in a quarter of the time. Yeah. This is going to be epic. via GIPHY Wait, positive thinking. I know I can do this. via GIPHY I am so nervous. I keep forgetting that I have a study plan and that I have been studying, and yet if the test were tomorrow, I am not 100% confident that I would pass. So I need to study more until I hit that "know-it-all" level that my family loves me for. via GIPHY And then there will be much rejoicing. via GIPHY

... In the summertime. Not the dead of winter when it would make sense. Nope. In the middle of summer. I hate you, Gulf Coast. I hate your humidity that keeps me trapped indoors. It's entirely too hot and humid to do anything enjoyable outside. Too hot and humid to even make the run to the car to drive to someplace else where the AC is set at freezing temperatures. What is it with establishments here? The AC seems to be set at 65 everywhere I go! Why should I leave home just to go someplace else indoors where I can't get comfortable and just chill out? I hate how inactive I have become. The bugs, they eat me. I look like a  horned melon  in places. Allegra can only do so much. I hate going outside. But that can't be right because I love the outdoors. At least I did before I started becoming dinner and dessert for the mosquitoes and biting flies. This is the first Labor Day Weekend in memory where I am not doing something active, social,  or outdoors. I should b...

I do not like aging. I don't like the aches AND pains and changes in metabolism and weight gain and now, I think my eyes are changing. Again.

Tonight I sit looking at the full moon, thinking of you, while that song runs through my head alongside scenes from Sleepless in Seattle. I wonder how much of the last three months have been a dream. The longer we are apart the more I think it was all made up in my head, something to fill the void deep in my heart. How empty am I that I create a dream lover? How confused that even my dreams leave me bereft and abandoned? The moon is a comfort. It's real. And maybe, just maybe, you are looking at it tonight and thinking of me.

A little humor to alleviate yesterday’s seriousness (I mean really, who takes me seriously?) As I was getting ready for work my mom sent a text asking me to bring her lunch, she had forgotten it at home. She gave me three locations where it could be. The kitchen counter, the dining table, or her room. Lunch was not in any of those places. We exchanged a few more texts and then she called me. I walked through her whole morning routine trying to find this elusive lunch bag. Not in the kitchen, not in the fridge, not in her bathroom, not in the living room. By this time my sis had left, so we thought maybe she had grabbed it and taken it to my mom. I waited around the house for a few more while my mom called sis. No go. Mom decides she’ll buy lunch and chalks the missing lunch up to a case of CRS (Can’t Remember Sh… Stuff). Oh yeah, at some point mom went out to her car to see if it had fallen down the passenger side well or something. Also negatory. Once it’s decided that Mom w...

Image via Wikipedia Driving home today, after having a talk with Josh, I had a realization. I hate yelling now. Despite growing up in a house of yellers (large 4-bedroom, 10 people, majority kids – we were a loud bunch, and yelling was faster than walking all over the house trying to find someone), I don’t like it anymore. I used to be the most vociferous (my grandmother constantly telling me “If I wanted you to yell, I could have done it myself. Get off your butt and go find [insert name of relative]”). We used it mainly as a means of communication -- not to belittle, harm emotionally, nor rant without thinking of the consequences. Josh’s first 4 years were in this environment and he’s sort of used to me being a yeller, but not like this weekend. Sure, I have used yelling in those ways before, who hasn’t? Tim used to complain about my yelling in the house to get Josh and Joy’s attention if they were other areas. Again, as a means of (in my opinion, effective) communication. Did...

Starting sometime yesterday and continuing into today I have been feeling increasingly sad, overwhelmed, down, but not anxious . I am feeling off emotionally, and usually will listen to Christian music to "reset". I was listening to Women of Faith 's version of " Blessed Be Your Name " and couldn't stop crying. And I repeated it three or four times hoping that a good cry was all I needed to reset. Unfortunately, I am still out of sorts and on the verge. Verge of what? I don’t know. An emotional breakdown or eruption for sure. Even in the darkness, my heart will choose to say, "Blessed be your name" I have to hold onto that. I am emotionally at the end of my rope, and there’s no knot to hang onto. I woke up sometime in the night with a picture in my head and the question “What does your soul look like?” The picture in my head was … it was as if I could see inside myself and see my soul. Perhaps too much Bujold -- recently finished Horizon ...

Image by -Chad Johnson via Flickr And I didn’t even know it. Back on Feb 3 I wrote about how hard it is for me to communicate . On Feb. 6 JPD and I broke up my brand new relationship ended, largely due to … * drumroll please *… my lack of ability to communicate important information in a timely manner. That, and my delivery positively sucked. Sweaty monkey-balls. I swear it was the worst delivery ever. Lesson learned. The hard way. I guess I should have expanded the chit-chat to some of the more serious things I needed to talk about. C’est la vie . NEXT! I’m not trying to be flippant. I’ve had two weeks to stew and reflect and play the “what if” game and get analyzed by my friends. And I have accepted the idiocy of what I did and how I handled it. I tried to make amends, and I’m learning, very slowly, that sometimes that’s all I can do. Is try. I can’t make it right if I’m not allowed to. And Lord, how I want to make it right. I’m stubborn. But I’m also a fast-learner...

Dance like nobody’s watching. I’m not that fearless. SOMEONE is *always* watching. And with my kids, I have to put up a front. Though I think my son sees right through it. I’m trying not to be hypocritical, two-faced, nor deceitful, it’s just that different parts of me have different needs and different ways of expressing themselves and they don’t ever hardly mesh. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense huh? No, I’m not MPD. If I was, this would probably make more sense. See, I grew up too fast. I made some bad decisions, and tried to take responsibility for them, and I have a talent for fouling things up. And dragging other people into it. Now that I am in my 30s I am having trouble NOT acting like a teenager. I was *always* the responsible one. Always had someone looking up to me … hrm, this post is diverging from where I wanted it to go …. Do you ever jump without looking? Take a plunge and damn (or forget to take into consideration) the consequences till they are staring you r...

We all know that everyone has a different take on this question. I think generally the answer is no. I’m finding out for myself that the answer might be yes. For clarification, what’s a rebound? And I’m not talking basketball here. I wish I was. Divorce Support defines a rebound as: A rebound relationship is one that occurs shortly after the break-up of a significant love relationship. If you are in a relationship but have distanced yourself emotionally from your relationship partner, you may begin a rebound relationship before you even leave the relationship you are in. If you move quickly from a long lasting relationship into another relationship then you are probably in a “rebound relationship." -- About.com: Divorce Support I have had more than my share of rebounds recently (by the above definition). I've had a year-long break from a "long lasting relationship" and suddenly find myself willing to date again. Even a few days ago this was not the case, so...

I am always in pain because it's a fact of my life now. I can deal with the dull, low throbbing. That I can ignore and get on with my life with generally no problem. Then there are days when I hurt everywhere. I wake up in pain. Most often in my back, but lately my back, neck, shoulders, hips, and sometimes hands just HURT! And that much thoracic pain usually causes my IBS to act up. What a way to start the morning. Every morning. And Lord please, the days when my IBS acts up when I am commuting. THAT'S THE WORST, the most mortifyinghorribleembarrasing moments of my life, mainly because I think I have gotten off scott-free for the day. And then, BAM! make a run for the bathroom, the nearest bathroom, any bathroom.   A lot of my stress and high anxiety are caused by my chronic pain and vice versa. A never-ending cycle (not to be confused with the Never-Ending Story ). My chronic pain could be a symptom of clinical depression, but I haven't been diagnosed as s...

I've been tagged by Sugar over at Living - In Theory so I guess I will fill y'all in on six things that you never knew and probably never wanted to know. I used to hate country music, but now I like it. A lot. Ok, not all country. Rascal Flatts , I <3 them. And when I am feeling goofy or needing a pick me up, Big and Rich . I love their philosophy of MuzikMafia . And one of my girlfriends introduced me to Gretchen Wilson. I <3 her too. So, a girl from the ghetto gets down to country. Go figure. In person, I'm naturally quiet, subdued, and introverted. A lot of my RL friends are, shall we say, overwhelmed by how much output I have online considering I let other people carry the conversation in person. Go figure. I really do know how to clean house. No, really, I do. Quit laughing. In fact, I am so good that for a couple of terms in college I was a housekeeper for this little old lady out in Imperial Beach . But I'm not sure what's happened the...

yeah, I got notice. This is kind of how I felt even though I was expecting it.

the last few days have been tumultuous, confusing, lonely, and a myriad of other feelings that have ultimately left me emotionally and physically drained. Last night I received some respite as well as affirmation and assurance that I am not the nutcase I often feel like. the lonliness is the worst. not knowing which friends to trust, or who even have time to listen to my misgivings and self-doubts, no one to talk to completely open and honestly. At least I am FINALLY aware of the type of decisions I make when I'm lonely, stressed out, and down on myself. Not acting on those impulses is getting harder and harder. and there's no one to lean on when I'm at wit's end. my spirit needs rest and restoration. my self-esteem is shot, and i feel like i have nothing left to give. where do i go from here?

You know, I am getting clumsy in my old age. First, I fall on my tailbone . Then, yesterday, I have no idea how. I swear, I was just stepping off the curb at a McD's and I fell face first into the parking lot. Scraped my knees, twisted my ankle and generally made a spectacle of myself. A few kind people asked if I was ok, and one kid helped me gather my things. But still, it was a *just a tad* embarrassing. Not to mention that I now walk with a limp. C'est la vie :(

me -Zoloft ___________ tired, grumpy, moody, anxious, easily annoyed with other people's stupidity and dependency problems, more likely to think you have aforementioned problems if you whine about anything. Today is not a good day. Almost a week off my "happy pills" as Josh calls them because the pharmacy couldn't be bothered to retry billing the insurance. So this morning at o'dark thirty I called the insurance company, who were VERY helpful ... and then called the pharmacy and told them nicely that they need to push my Rx through because there was no reason why it shouldn't go through. They called back within 15 minutes to let me know that I could pick it up at my convenience. GRRR. Damn, I hate being moody. And I'm mid-cycle too.

I can't remember. Didn't I tell you about that? Are you sure? Did I do that? I thought I did. I am really hating the hallucinations/vivid dreams. This morning I had to ask my housemate if I had gotten up this morning and cooked. Because I dreamed it had happened, in detail and pretty much in the order that I later did it. I have full conversations that I remember. I dream/remember doing tasks that I am confused about later when I see that they are not done. And of course, my quality of sleep has started to suffer. Just earlier this morning I was falling asleep at my desk. I'm now drinking (guzzling) a Caramel Mocha frappacino in the hopes that I will wake up. And I have been gently reminded to stop surfing except on breaks. Back to the grind -- Annette Sargent "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."  -Robert A. Heinlein 12:20 PM AND I CAN'T STOP FIDGETING!!!!!!!!!!!

I will be glad in that day when my body is no longer in pain. I will wonder and rejoice at a pain free existence ... because I am beginning to forget what it is like to live without pain. There is an existence without pain, isn't there? I am so very tired of being in pain

at least for the most part. Loud sounds still cause me to shy away in pain, but I can finally take my sunglasses off and the vice that has been around my head since Sunday seems to have gone away., I love my boss. She didn't think I was nuts for wearing sunglasses in the building and even gave me the Excedrin Migraine. I'm just sorry it took until about 3:30/4:00 before it kicked in(I took it at like 8 and headache did not get any better while at work), but I guess that makes sense ... phone ringing incessantly, bright lights, and people talking all around me. ... Going to the doctor tomorrow. I'm beginning to that think that even though I am on anti-anxiety meds, my stress level is higher than it has ever been before, I'm just not having a panic attack or mental breakdown. Migraines, receding gum line, hives, breakouts, and a back that won't stop hurting. And because my body is reacting to the stress, but not my mind ... it's a little confusing to say the least...