My Afflation

Allrighty then. Here we go. After watching this: and this: I've decided to refocus certain things in my life, starting with paying attention to my creative outlets. Especially my blog. It's my main creative outlet and I need to core dump more often. Are y'all ready for that? Of course, I don't expect any of you new readers to be, but there are some of you who have been with me since the beginning. Ideally, I'll get back to more me, less fluff. Last night I spent hours moving things over to Squarespace and playing around with templates and customizing things and well, in the end it looked like crap. Largely due to my inconsistent photography and boring content and just ... well, I was horrified. And then I thought "I could just close this down and start over", but I have had this blog for over a decade. It's just going to have to keep growing and changing with me. So maybe I am not truly ready to move out of my comfort zone, but I am ready to ch...

So, my marriage taught me how to approach people and issues from the side. Obliquely. Never deal with anything head-on if you can avoid an unpleasant or disappointing confrontation. I’m learning that doesn’t work real well in the real world. Or with dealing with people who aren’t control freaks. Boy, do I have a lot to re-learn. This is one reason why I said being single wasn’t so bad a few days ago on twitter. It doesn’t reflect on anyone I might be dating, it’s totally on me. I don’t know how to relate to people anymore, at least, not the ones who are interested in me romantically. JPD said he wanted to have time to talk and I nearly had a panic attack (yes, hyperbole ), it was merely a mild anxiety attack. Gob-smacked because someone actually wanted to have a conversation with me, in RL (that’s real life). And then realizing that might mean that I’ll have to be emotionally available. G irlfriend say what??!!!??? That’s what actually caused the racing of my heart and heavy bre...

So I'm watching and pondering a post that I have had in mind since yesterday. Because, you know, something has to change. I asked Tim to bring my scale over, he did. I got on it this morning (dripping wet as you're supposed to) and my fear was confirmed. I'm back up to 180#. I'm at least 30# overweight for my frame and height. There, I said it. My real weight. And I want to get my real weight back to 150#. Preferably between 135 and 145, that's where I felt healthiest and strongest, but 150# is doable too. That's about where I was when I was running the daycare. I am going to get rid of these rolls! Or figure out someway to move all my fat to my bustline. (Like that's ever going to happen). For the record, with both pregnancies I never got above 165#. So for me to be at 180 first thing in the morning, is ... distressing. Mainly because of all the weight-related diseases that run in my family. Diabetes. Heart diseases. High blood pressure. I want to live to ...