My Afflation

Today, I am ashamed of Mamavation. Today they are acting like the bullies. I'm probably the only one with this point of view. I don't know what it's like to be the fat kid. I had the opposite problem growing up; everyone thought I was anorexic. That's teasing and hate of a different sort. Today, I am raising a daughter who weekly claims that she is fat. Somehow in the two years when she was in her father's custody it got put into her head that she's fat. She's not. She's beautiful and strong and tall, but got her dad's body type instead of mine. Because she is not stick thin, she thinks she's fat. I have to remind her every day that she's not. That she is stronger than most of the boys her age and that she is *FIT* . Being skinny does not equal being healthy . But I am teaching her healthy choices and what it means to have a healthy lifestyle even it if means she will never have my body type. I am teaching her to be strong and healthy...

This morning I don't hate my scale. Down another 1/2 pound. I'll take it. back to 186lbs give or take a few ounces. I've steadily been losing since getting back from vacation. More travel coming up, which means less control of what goes into my mouth, but I have become a lot better at making smarter choices when on the go. Except for coffee. I know that I probably would make my goal of a full pound or maybe even two if I stopped my ritualistic stop at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf every morning. It's like my work day doesn't really start until I have that cup in my hand. I could bring coffee from home, which I used to do, or even use the Starbucks machine here at work. But I truly love my regular Cafe White Chocolate. And if Eddie makes my drink he always adds a little chocolate syrup. One of my few indulgences since starting work again is my morning coffee. Ok, enough justifying. I'm just so very glad that I am still losing weight during the holiday season....

Well, I lost a pound this week. I guess the spin classes are paying off especially since it's *that* week and I probably gained 5lbs just in water weight. Also despite recovering from road food and a family reunion last weekend while the rest of you were at Blogher (mild jealousy). Overall, I'm not too upset. Being an overachiever I want to see that 2lb/week loss, but I know that is unrealistic. I'm still being careful of my back and not overdoing anything, which sometimes means not pushing myself as hard as I could. I've noticed that in spin class after a certain level of exertion my body thinks I'm having an anxiety attack, but I just slow down and concentrate on breathing until I try again. Getting through the mental barriers is so much harder than the physical ones. The Hunk and I are spinning 3x/week and light weights in between. I'm exhausted most days. My muscles are definitely confused, as in "What the hell!?! You haven't used me in 10 years ...

It's been a busy week. We re-committed to working out daily. I'm definitely the slacker in accountability relationships, so I need the extra push. The only upside is on the rare occasions when the Hunk wants to stop I get to give it right back to him.  I'm also in charge of the menus and portion control, one of the few things I'm good at. The past week looked like this: Sunday : biked 4 miles running errands, then walked 3.3 more miles throughout the day. Monday : 2 mile walk Tuesday : I'm not a very good swimmer (translation I sink like a rock) but I did some pool jogging and then laps on my back. My goal was to get across the pool a few times without my feet touching bottom. After dinner did a 2.5 mile walk with Zoe and the Hunk. Wednesday : more walking. My dog is losing weight faster than I am. Thursday : swimming. I float on my back and try not to drown in three feet of water. I'm getting better. Friday : more swimming. It's a good week for ...

My only consolation is that the Hunk thinks my waist is coming back. He has a picture of me from last summer, before I started Mamavation, and I had more of a waist than I do now. I guess it's time to find my tape measure and start taking measurements. We haven't been doing P90x the last few weeks because of my back. 190.0lbs It's very frustrating. I keep starting and stopping due to either back issues or lack of interest/energy. This week I am going to focus on water intake (so that the protein bars and protein rich diet don't keep giving me afternoon migraines) and walking as much as possible. On the weekends we ride our bikes at least 5 miles. I know, not a lot, but my chiropractor doesn't want me riding for more than 20 minutes, so 5 miles is kinda pushing it. I finally got a portable TENS unit. Holy cow what a difference! Wish I had bought one years ago! That and biofreeze have been getting me up in the morning. Congrats to Pamela for being Sistah of...

Well, it looks like I am holding steady around 190. Still. I have the last two weeks Mamavation to publish still. Do you ever get to a point where you are ashamed of your lack of progress? I joined Mamavation so I would have some sort of accountability as well as a support group of similarly focused women. In six months I have lost the same two freaking pounds over and over and according to my doctor there is nothing physically wrong with me. Well, my blood pressure was a little higher than normal, but all the bloodwork was normal. I digress. The point is, despite changing my diet, exercising more, and trying to lead a healthier lifestyle, it's not doing any good. I'm at my wits end. Tweet

I had a FABULOUS weekend, even if I did end up gaining a pound this past week. The Hunk and I have been talking about camping for over a year now, I love it, but haven't had anyone to go with. My son didn't think I was capable of doing it even though I used to take him. Apparently getting my nails and hair done these days disqualifies me from being able to "rough it". A few weeks ago The Hunk was trying to surprise me with a reservation but wasn't having any luck. Research goddess that I am, I found an open beach-side reservation at McGrath State Beach . Before we got there, I didn't know that the campground would be  closing soon . Our only criteria (by the time we got frustrated with Reserve America's reservation system), was beach and open some weekend in May. And not too far from Santa Barbara. McGrath is on the border of Ventura and Oxnard (before this past weekend I thought Oxnard was IE or up by Lompoc. It just *sounds* like it belongs in the...

I say that deprecatingly. I wish I could be a kid again and get my fitness in like my daughter. Playing catch, riding bikes and scooters, playing in the pool. And soccer starts in July. I'm blessed in that we finally live in a place where I can tell her to go outside and play and she's like a bat out of hell going. Me, I have to torture myself with P90x. I chose it partly because of Mamavation and partly because a lot of long time friends were sweating and swearing by it. One even joined me on Facebook and is doing another round (thanks Ben!) It also helps that The Hunk is working on his hunkiness with me. He pushes me when I want to quit and I give it right back to him when he wants to quit. I hate my TV after working out

192.2lbs. Body fat at 38.1% Well, Easter Sunday was quite the wake-up for me. Actually it was Saturday night that had me almost crying in the dressing room of my local Target. In four years I have managed to double my size, and it's not a thyroid issue. My doctor has checked often enough since one of my chief complaints is fatigue. Four years ago at Easter I looked like this:

Yesterday I was scrolling through tweets of friends of friends, looking for new people to follow and generally "eavesdropping" on interesting conversations. I came across a tweet from a woman who seems to exude confidence and attitude . She was complaining about being 5'10", weighing a buck and a quarter, and denying herself some comfort food. PUH-LEAZE! My first thought was "You're kidding right? Even  Liv Tyler told someone to shove it when they wanted her below 130lbs. 135-150lbs is a healthy weight for someone 5'10". My second thought was "Your boyfriend must like the pre-pubescent boy look," - not kind, I know, but damn,  "no cushion for the pushin'" because every other tweet from this woman was about how much sex she gets. I needed a little snark to offset my third thought -- the inevitable "skinny b*itch". I don't like being jealous. It means I need a reality check. I can relate to being the skinny...

(take 2 - Windows Live Writer ate my nearly complete post Monday morning!) ....  and I think I have gained back a few pounds. I went to Lost Wages this past weekend to spend time with family. My dad offered to cook for me, so of course I asked for turkey mole. And rice, salad, corn tortillas, mexican cheese ... my tummy is rumbling as I think about it. We also ate breakfast at Denny's both mornings, the Mad Greek for lunch on Sunday, and a snack stop at Alien Jerky. For breakfast I made the healthiest choice I could and still get full. They have a new Blueberry Slam - whole wheat pancakes with blueberries, fruit on the side (or hashbrown), turkey bacon, and eggs (with or without cheese). To be honest, I got my eggs with cheese. They taste less powdery that way. I still haven't found my scale. Or my measuring tape. It makes it hard to determine if I have lost or gained in the last week. Pretty sure I have gained since I am dehydrated and retaining water (it still baffles ...

Sort of. I have been completely off for about a month while we packed and moved. It was the easiest and least stressful item to let go of on my ever-growing to do list. But I'm back. My new place is slowly coming under control, though there is still a lot of organization, downsizing, and freecycling that needs to be done. I'm thinking that by the end of the month we can have close friends over. Wouldn't that be nice? In the meantime I've balanced high calorie pizza slices and meals from Dennys with LOTS of walking. I get between 5000 and 11000 steps per day now. Most from walking to and from the train station, walking the dogs more frequently, and climbing three stories of stairs repeatedly throughout the day. The Hunk and I will be starting P90x soon.  We finally have enough room in the living room. Now I just need to find my scale. The last time I weighed in, I was 188lbs. You have never seen someone so happy to FINALLY be under 190lbs. Some of the things I...

I think I will be taking a break from Mamavation for this month. I was happy to step on the scale this morning and see that I had maintained for the week despite a heavy dinner on "Date night" at Claim Jumper (leftovers!) on Saturday night. It must have been balanced by all the packing I did during the day . I'm just super stressed and frustrated, I see women dropping pounds like hot potatoes and I can't seem to lose more than five. There is a lot going on in my life that is probably deterring my weight loss, so I'm going to work on those issues over the next month. I'll still be watching my calorie intake , The Hunk has taken over my breakfast, lunch and dinner choices for the month. Which is fine because he's eating the same things I am. I can't wait to have more time to cook again!

193.4 Wedgies are great motivation . Especially when you get them on a daily basis. No, I am not re-living junior high. My underwear is giving me wedgies and I think my weight is redistributing itself. Honestly, I am so tired broke after buying new work clothes that fit that don't make me look like a stuffed sausage, and now this. But going commando in a skirt and heels is out of the question.

192.8 I'm a little (ok a LOT) stoked this morning! I haven't been tracking my inches, but my clothes can't lie. A blouse for work that usually fits tight (like I need help getting my arms out of the sleeves at night) fits LOOSE this morning! I can actually slip a couple of fingers under there! The surprise comes because I've been wanting to work on my #mamaguns, but haven't yet. I've been focused on getting to the gym on a consistent basis. For the amount of money we are shelling out, I better!

192.4 Slow and steady, right? I haven't exercised much in the last two weeks, due to illness , but I am back in the saddle -- mentally at least. My problem is follow-through. I brought my work out bag to work, and barring any more issues with the CMS I should be able to get in a workout this afternoon. I've been eating a LOT of soup lately, which keeps my calories down and my fluids up. Taking a time out to have some California rolls today though. I have no idea how some people can stick to a soup diet . I'm only doing it because I have such a hard time keeping hydrated. I've been tracking my calories and I am way down, so trying to balance keeping hydrated with NOT going into starvation mode (something that happens often since I tend to hyperfocus and then forget to eat. I can go months with eating just once a day ... and then wonder why I am so tired all the time!). And that explains my slight weight gain. I realize it could be worse. I really need to up my activ...

Well, my body got tired of waiting around for me to go to the doctor and took things into its own hands. Last Tuesday I started feeling ill. First I was just tired after lunch, then I thought it was boredom as I was getting that malaise feeling I get when bored-out-of-my-ever-loving-mind . By the time quitting time ran around I had lost my appetite and just wanted to go home and sleep. I’ve had exhaustion before and figured I was about to have another bout of it.

Bloated again. Better be water weight gain Back up to 193lbs. I swear I keep losing and gaining the same 5lbs. This would be fine if I was at my goal weight . I'm still very far from my goal. Each week it seems farther away. What I wouldn't give to make it down to 180lbs, my weight at this time last year. I'm still in shock that I have gained  20lbs in the last year. How the heck did that happen??!!?? New goals : The cardio I've been doing sometimes leaves me wanting more --  feeling incomplete. I used to have pretty good upper body strength and I miss it. I want my arms back, not these granny-flappy things that have replaced them. And the rolls under my bra can get to moving out too. Chronic back pain in the last decade has had people doing a lot of heavy lifting for me, literally and figuratively. And it shows in my arms, back, torso, etc.  I need to strengthen my core, so that I can lift more weights and strengthen my arms. It's a good thing that I p...

Tweet That actually says 191.6, taken yesterday morning before another whirlwind day of errands and Christmas shopping. 191.6lbs I usually weigh in on Monday mornings, but at this moment I am sitting in L.A.X. waiting to see my son off on another cross-country trip. He doesn't really need me here, but he let's me stick around because I think he knows I need it. I get nervous whenever he goes on a trip without me. Does nervous stress burn weight? I know I'm at the age where stress turns into cortisol and then belly fat. I haven't taken any measurements, but my jeans do seem to be fitting better. I can breath when I slide (slide! Not jump,wriggle, cajole,and suck in my breath ) into them. This past week I seem to have managed to drop five pounds. I have a pretty persistent cold and have been eating Campbell's Healthy Select chicken variety soup (long grain rice and Mexican tortilla if you really want to know). One can (2 servings) has 220 ...

196.0 Well, apparently this is what happens when I don't hit the gym at all. Wait, I went on Monday. 1 day out of 7 is really bad. I've missed my weekend sessions completely the last two weeks due to ... lots of stuff now that I think about it. There are just so many other things that need to get taken care of on the weekend and not enough time to get it all done. And I don't think it's a case of my horrible time management skills any more. It may be time to re-evaluate joining Flylady and seeing if I can do it as a working woman. I really need to do laundry. ALL of my workout clothes need to be washed, in addition to half of my work clothes and I have decided to get rid of all the size 10 clothes that I haven't been able to fit into for over a year. (For reference I'm a 12/14 ... and a lot closer to the 14 than the 12 :( ) Once upon a time I was an 8, but I've decided that's a little too skinny. I look best as a 10/12. A little part of me is wee...