So, my marriage taught me how to approach people and issues from the side. Obliquely. Never deal with anything head-on if you can avoid an unpleasant or disappointing confrontation. I’m learning that doesn’t work real well in the real world. Or with dealing with people who aren’t control freaks. Boy, do I have a lot to re-learn.
This is one reason why I said being single wasn’t so bad a few days ago on twitter. It doesn’t reflect on anyone I might be dating, it’s totally on me. I don’t know how to relate to people anymore, at least, not the ones who are interested in me romantically.
JPD said he wanted to have time to talk and I nearly had a panic attack (yes, hyperbole), it was merely a mild anxiety attack. Gob-smacked because someone actually wanted to have a conversation with me, in RL (that’s real life). And then realizing that might mean that I’ll have to be emotionally available. Girlfriend say what??!!!??? That’s what actually caused the racing of my heart and heavy breathing. I haven’t been emotionally available in nearly a decade. Too much risk ya know?
I’m having the time of my life hoping I don’t come across as an idiot trying to remember how to have face-to-face conversations, without walls, which is hard for me. Incredibly hard. It’s like … no walls for friends and the Great Wall of China for someone who might want more than friendship. The only people I find myself being myself around are my friends from high school (and Jes). Because they know me and will call me on any BS right off. Not even my family can do that anymore because I had to present different fronts to them, make everything appear that it was ok for so long.
All this to say … I really hate passive-aggressive people and even more so being one and having to train myself out of it. UGH!
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I'm glad that you are able to let other in on a romantic level. Just another step in re-claiming your identity and being able to love again. You are a very special, kind hearted, caring person, with a lot to offer to someone who actually will love and respect you, not control you. GOod Luck
ReplyDeleteIt's scary dating. Especially at an older age when we know what the risks are. But remember. The spoils of victory go to the Bold. Go out and be bold!
ReplyDeleteOpening ourselves up to others is the scariest part of dating. I remember hating that aspect of new relationships. It wasn't the opening that was the problem. It was the rejection - or fear of rejection.
ReplyDeleteBut as you know, unless you conquer that fear you'll end up protected but lonely. I think it's great you are taking your PA side head on and making changes. Good luck!
Douglas Cootey
☆ @TheLaughingImp/@DouglasCootey on Twitter
✍ The Splintered Mind - Overcoming AD/HD & Depression With Lots Of Humor And Attitude
@Opus #6
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'm going to have to keep that in mind the next few months. There are so many things I am not bold about.
--Doug,
Not just dating, but throughout a relationship. My problem right now is default position is "no way no how am I going to let you in far enough to even have a chance to hurt me" and it's a very hard mindset to get around/take down.